I am going back and writing my experience with cancer. I am now a 3 year survivor but I wanted to share the beginning of the journey then I will blog about my life and experiences now.
My goal is to share how I felt when I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt so, so alone and I thought I was the only person to ever have the thoughts and feelings I was having. I now know that what I was experiencing was normal.
I would like for newly diagnosed women to read this blog and know they are NOT alone or abnormal in anyway for how they are feeling.
Okay, so I had to wait for the 2nd biopsy results. It was supposed to be about a week. While waiting for the results, I fell apart.
***I have to say that I am going to be very honest and open about everything so please prepare yourself for this.***
I couldn't stop thinking about CANCER! How did this happen? Why me? Why me? Why me?
I truly spent every second thinking about having cancer. I wasn't able to sleep or eat. Really all human functioning stopped. I was a mess!
My mother was visiting and I would go to her room and curl up next to her and cry like a baby in the fetal position. There I was a 34 year old woman with my own children curled up next to my mom. I really just wanted my mom to make it go away. My mom asked me what I was most afraid of---dying of course and leaving my 2 children without a mother.
Would I die?, Would my husband remarry?, Would my kids remember me?
I had a whole week to find out if it was definitely cancer. They told me they were 95% sure it was breast cancer but I was hanging on to that 5%. I had found out my first biopsy result on a Wednesday and by Saturday my husband took me into my cancer facility because I hadn't slept at all. He really thought I needed an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. The nurse and doctor I saw that day (not my oncologist) said I was just having a normal reaction to the diagnosis and they didn't think I needed anything except something to sleep.
Well, they gave me something to help me sleep and I still wasn't sleeping. I called my family practice doctor after the weekend and told her I guess I needed an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant. This was very difficult for me because I considered myself a strong person and didn't like the idea that I needed a drug to help me.
I finally started sleeping after the anti-depressant.